5 - looking back into 2025, and a wish into 2026
WARNING: There is a brief mention of suicide in this post. Please don't read if that triggers you.
Reflections into 2025
2025 has been a year of losses for everyone, and for me it's very much the same. I feel like the only boon that has helped me go on was the fact that my health needs are far more accessible here, because honestly if I had still been living in my hometown with what I went through, I genuinely think I'd be dead by now.
I've been in a state of mourning for what could have been for myself. Anyone who knows me in real life or through online connections would know that I've been disabled for a good while now, but this year it's horrifying that my body feels like it's breaking down in real time. Between constant migraines and heart attack-like symptoms early in January that led me to losing my job, a fall in July that fucked up my already fucked knee that eventually also led me to having a fucked heel from compensating for that knee, and more recently needing preventive medicine to slow down the creeping damage to my kidneys. On top of all this, getting the news that my mother has breast cancer had really shaken my life by a lot. I think what made this worse is the fact that this was happening all at the same time, with little room to process it all. It's why I wrote earlier if I had still lived in my hometown with little access to better medical care as I do now, I would genuinely be dead, and it would have very easily been due to suicide. I say this as a statement because I know what I'm like, and I know how many times I've already come really close (and have attempted) back when I was still living there. Lack of access to care was the major reason for my terrible state of mental health there, and I'm proud to say that since moving here into my sister's home, my mental health has been very resilient even with the heightened risk (especially when you consider I live in a high rise building).
I moved to Kuala Lumpur for a reason, and the number one reason was to better access the medical care I was receiving from a local university hospital - care that would have been denied to me in my hometown from either lack of resources or the usual gaslighting from doctors. I've only just recently been assigned to a proper weight loss program thanks to my gynecologist listening to me when I said I had struggled to lose weight even after doing everything as recommended. This same hospital had also diagnosed me with PCOS and ADHD a few years ago, and beginning late this January, I'm going to have my knees looked at to ascertain if I needed reconstructive surgery. This is care I wouldn't have gotten at all if I had stayed in my hometown, and it's for the same reason that my mother is also in Kuala Lumpur to receive her cancer treatment, not because she wouldn't be cared for, but she'd have to wait too long to even begin chemotherapy in the first place.
I'm not the only one facing hardship last year. I've read about people losing beloved family members, a disproportionate amount of people being fired from their jobs and left stranded to deal with the woes of life, and no small amount of people also becoming disabled or facing the chronic illness this year and struggling to come to terms with it. I think surviving this hell year alone is a miracle in and of itself, so if you're still here despite it all, I'm very proud of you for holding on and still being here.
A wish into 2026
This blog and the decision to be active only on one social media account has been the small saving grace in 2025. In my previous post I've written how much that has helped me maintain mental clarity, and how much it has helped me pick up back on good habits (like walking and reading). So this wish - or rather a goal - is something I want to keep doing moving forward. Even after reactivating my fandom-focused Bluesky account recently, I found myself reaching back into the same quiet I had while that was deactivated. So I want to continue maintaining that sort of quiet and clarity in the new year.
I want to also strive to be healthier this year too, even if my body isn't going to function as it used to any more. I've started walking again, and I want to continue that momentum in 2026. I want to be able to casually walk 500 meters to a kilometer to where I want to go the way I used to when I was much younger again. And in 2-3 years from now, I'm looking into losing my weight down to at least 100 kilograms (for reference, I'm currently at 130kg - I lost about 4kg from 134 after being prescribed metformin to help with insulin resistance caused by PCOS). I don't look into BMI numbers, so my ultimate weight goal is at 85kg - the weight where I actually feel healthiest back then. This isn't really for "I want to look good", but rather "I want my knees to not be in so much pain any more" - though I won't complain about having to get smaller clothes down the line.
In 2026, my other wish is to also draw traditionally just as much as I have been drawing digitally. I have a lot of art materials sitting unused after the initial excitement (I have been poisoned by Tiktok & Pinterest, oops) and I intend to use them to draw more and fully utilise them, even if I don't get to fully fill in all my sketch books. I'm probably also look into giving some away if they don't jive with me any more after using them. If anything, I think the act of drawing physically on a piece of paper has a grounding effect you can't quite get from gliding your Apple pencil, S-pencil or tablet pen onto a screen.
I have so much more that I want to do since it's a new year and a new beginning, but I think if I were to do everything at once, it'll just overwhelm me back into old bad habits again, so these three will by my strongest wishes going forward into the new year, however small.
Happy New Year, to you who is reading this. I pray that your year ahead will be kinder, more prosperous and filled with love and joy. I think we all need it going forward.