20 - the heart is heavy
You'd think after 10 or so years of fighting with major depressive disorder, you'd have it all figured out - how to tell when you're entering a state of deep despair, your strategies to cope, and so on and so forth. And in those 10 years, I am getting somewhat better at that.
But there are still days when sometimes the pain and despair is so heavy that you can feel your heart sink from the weight of it. You find yourself crying for a long time, and when you're done crying, you just want to go to bed and hope you'll never wake up again forever, even though you know you will.
I'm currently doing everything in my power to change my life - find jobs to help me have a more stable footing to pay debts, find new sources of income, get healthier so I'm better equipped to work the jobs I've applied to. On top of it all, saving what little money I could all for that to be taken from me either by my own needs or by family needs. Family that have barely even considered supporting me through this, even.
I'm pretty exhausted by it all. Between extending myself so much caring for a sick family member and also juggling my own chronic pains, it's little wonder that I'd find myself in a bit of an emotional crisis. I'm really tired. I want to be able to breathe again.