10 - life lessons at 34 that I probably needed when I was 24
TW for suicide - I talk about my suicide attempt quite extensively in this post. Please turn away now if you don't want to read it!
If you're in a crisis right now, don't weather it alone. Please, find a helpline in your country and call them immediately. Drag yourself to your local hospital's emergency department if you have to. I promise you that you're never truly alone even if you think you are.
I turned 34 in January 26. Had a lovely celebration of Chinese food with my family (that cost us MYR428 between the four of us, but absolutely worth it), then after that went back to my usual work of social media management and drawing as usual. I then had a wonderful full day of quietly socializing with my best friend the day after, and was gifted this smooth Kaweco fountain pen from them (this was their second present to me; they forgot to bring the first one along).
I feel like a lot has changed in my life since I hit 34. Ten years ago around this time, I was fresh out of the psychiatric hospital. I had dropped out of college, quietly quit my job without any notice, and at some point I snapped and simply overdosed. My sister found me in a sorry state when she got back home and immediately took me to the emergency department of the hospital she worked in. I stayed there for a week, armed with nothing but a journal, a pen, and unquiet thoughts wondering if I deserve to be alive at this moment.
I think a lot about how close I was to death back then. In hindsight nine paracetamol and six sertraline probably isn't lethal, per se, but it was still a risk no one should have taken. I was so sleepy when I took them - I legitimately thought when I close my eyes, I won't need to wake up again, and all my problems will go away. But I found myself awake. And ten years later I'm somehow still here.
I feel like statements such as "I wish I knew this earlier, my life would be so much better" are meaningless, in the sense that it shouldn't really matter when you've learned something valuable and life-changing - you know what it is NOW, and that will absolutely serve you in the future, and the past isn't something you can go back to fix anyway. But I hope the things I write about today can save someone who might find themselves reading this blog tomorrow:
1. It really does get better - but you really do have to fight for it
I used to resent this statement so much. "You have to keep fighting if you want to get better". Back then all I could think of was "motherfucker what is there to fight for? I've literally got nothing left." But over time I slowly realize that I do - there's always something, every day, waiting for me out there. Sometimes the only thing that gets me up every morning is the ability to see my characters in Final Fantasy XIV. Not even the ability to see my friends or family, or anything far more profound. Just the ability to see this guy on my screen legitimately is the reason some mornings.
To fight back and reclaim yourself can be really hard especially in the wake of a failed suicide attempt. I'm no expert on post-suicide recovery, but if anything, if things are overwhelming, it always helps to start really small - like, laughably, insignificantly small. If you've got a pet, maybe take that pet as your reason to keep going. If you've been waiting for your favorite musician or band to come back, make that your reason to keep going. To quote this incredible Reddit comment posted before the release of Shadowbringers:
These things might seem so small and minuscule to literally anyone else, but for people like us, even those small things are already a huge step. Eventually being able to fight for the small things will lead you into fighting for much bigger things - like being able to find that spark of hope for a better future for yourself.
2. You have to be selfish when it comes to finding the will to live.
We fundamentally have been taught since childhood to put others before ourselves. That's a good thing, by the way. That's a virtuous, moral thing to do. We should actually care about other people especially when we live in such a grossly individualistic society. None of these however contradict with the above idea of being selfish in your recovery - I don't mean abandon your friends in need or cut off your family (unless they are causing you so much harm that you're suicidal over it). I mean when it comes to trying to find a reason to live, you must think about what YOU want for YOURSELF, however vague they might be.
When I was struggling to find a reason to live, I keep thinking to myself "but what if one day I DO get to see my dreams come true? What if one day I might have the opportunity for a better life? If I'm dead now, I won't be able to see that." It's so vague, and so riddled with uncertainty. Then I had the virtue of owning and keeping a cat for about 2 years. And for two entire years in addition to the first reason, this cat that likes to pee all over my room but LOVES hanging out on my table as I draw and play games because the CPU's warmth compels him became my major reason to keep going. (His name was Pipin by the way, and even though his peeing was rather annoying to deal with, he truly was my everything. Still miss him keenly to this day.)
It's hard to slide into this kind of mindset at first. None of us see ourselves as worthy of life to begin with, so our tendency is to hang on to something else that gives us value - a loved one is always the first thing we think of. But in trying to live in spite of that deep abyss trying to swallow you, I think it helps to think "I want to live because getting to spend time with someone who loves me makes me happy". You put yourself first even when your reason is for someone else. My issue that leads me to say "you need to be selfish to find the will to live" is because well-meaning people tell us that we MUST live, because what would happen to our loved ones if we die? "Committing suicide is the single most selfish thing you could do" rubs me the wrong way, and puts people at risk of suicide in an even deeper spiral, especially when they aren't getting adequate support even from the people that DO care deeply about them.
In this regard, it's absolutely okay to be a little bit selfish. We are talking about you, after all.
3. The little things matter more than you think
By now I'm pretty sure you might be able to see what the overarching theme is: the little things. You doing that work you put off for just five minutes of your time that makes you go "why the hell did I put this off? This shit is so easy". The really good roast duck rice from the Chinese restaurant that you want to try again after finding out how good it is for the first time. That new friend you met at either a conference, or some little gathering (like a community class) that you clicked almost instantly with. The husky that you just adopted a week ago and is an absolute darling despite you finding out she complains very loudly when you can't take her for a walk one day due to extreme weather conditions.
There's a Malay saying that goes "sedikit-sedikit lama-lama menjadi bukit". Literally it means "if you start small today, it will grow to be a hill eventually". This is the saying I hear all the time when it comes to saving money, but I think it pays to save up the little joyful things little by little - it builds up to a mountain of great emotional resilience later on. To have ambition and aspirations for huge things is good, but I think to get there you also need to find joy in the small things as well. The little victories and joys will add up, because they always do. Dismiss them at your own peril.
4. You have to sleep for 6 hours minimum.
This is a lesson that I'm especially feeling very keenly at the age of 34 (with my multiple ailments). Go to bed. I mean it. If you're reading this now at such a late hour, go to bed NOW and put the phone to charge in your living room or something. The amount of scientific research that show a direct correlation between multiple diseases - both physical and mental - to a chronic lack of sleep is too much for me to list in this blog, but the benefits of getting enough sleep far outweigh anything else.
This is not a lesson that has permanently gelled on me even at this age. My ADHD is one reason for it, but I'm trying to ensure I at LEAST hit 5-6 hours right now - between 12-1 am to 6 am (because I need to do my morning prayer) minimum. But it's not too late to try and catch enough zzzzs. There are obviously more factors that comes into play with improving your overall health, but I think getting enough sleep is the singular thing we could all do today.
5. Show up
It doesn't really matter what occasion it is, and for what purpose. I avoided so much in my 20s because I felt inadequate, as if I don't belong anywhere and I didn't deserve to belong anywhere. Depression has a funny way of ruining your self-esteem to near irreparable levels, and sometimes it really can be too much to think about even going out there. Nowadays the reason I don't always get to go to events and gatherings is more physical than mental - and honestly just doing that is enough to help me feel a little more confident in myself, bit by bit.
Showing up doesn't just mean physically showing up, of course - it can absolutely mean showing up for the personal goals you've set for yourself. Trying to lose weight but you messed up because you bought too much fried chicken (something that absolutely did happen to me)? That's okay, you can use the leftover fried chicken to make a chicken salad or add vegetables to the next meal. Doomscrolled too much today that you didn't read a single page of your book at all? That's okay, pick up the book you were going to read tomorrow, even if just for one page.
It's so understandable that messing up once makes you think you're a failure forever and you can never do anything right, but I promise you showing up even for a moment will do so much more for you than forcing yourself to be perfect or sociable every time. You will thank yourself for it. Even though you may never be as confident as you used to, but you will eventually be confident enough to live with purpose.
I am only 34 years old. Maybe these lessons are not entirely profound or life-changing, but they did help me survive up to this point. If you're sitting here and wondering if your life is worth living, I can't really definitely say that it is - but I can tell you that it will get better, little by little. Hang in there. One day you too will realize it's been 10 years since you were at your lowest and realize "wow, I survived."